8.13.2013

It's Too Bad....


This post has been a long time in the making....

It hit me a month or two ago, while the 4 of us were at the lake...that it's too bad that S can't have K around and get to do all of these things with her too....

S was playing in the water with Princess, and she was so mad because she didn't want to get wet, and she was hanging onto S for her dear life!

daddy's Princess <3
 
S was so patient, and loving, and laughing and having so much fun with her.  It hit me all at once, that the last time S was really and truly with K, as her one and only daddy, was when K was the same age that Princess is now.  But because the EX asked for a divorce as soon as S left on deployment, S never truly had another chance to be K's only daddy.  When he got home from Iraq, he got to see K once a week for a few hours, then every other Saturday as well for a few hours.  Not a lot of time to be a daddy, especially since the EX already had another man living with her.  After his second deployment, yes S made the decision to move to Maine with me and our son and to raise our family here.....but that doesn't mean that his relationship had to change so drastically with K. 
 
For the longest time...almost a year!.....the EX didn't allow S to talk to K, because K's THERAPIST said that it wasn't a good idea.  Now that they have been able to start Skyping again, it's a rough road at best.  Mostly because a lot of the time, K decides that she doesn't want to talk, or even make the call, and it's never enforced.  K is allowed to decide whether or not a phone call happens (this will be an important fact later on in this post).
 
S is an amazing father.  I feel sorry for K that the EX never let S show how much of an amazing father he was.  S was only 19 when K was born....still a kid himself, of course he was going to have problems with adjusting!  Who wouldn't?  But, S was only 22 when Dude was born...just a few years older, and he took to it like a fish to water.  S is so playful, fun, active, and loving with our children!  There have been so many times that I have just been astounded by the things that he does with our kiddos and how well he deals with things that I would lose my mind over! 
 
Laughs at breakfast <3
 


But I saw him do all those things with K when we lived in NC too!  He loved to take her to the beach, take her fishing, play with her, cuddle, and be plain old silly!

Putting makeup on daddy!

Yes, S painted her nails <3
 
 
But what happened after these two particular days?  S got yelled at by the EX because K had been playing with my makeup and had some on herself.  Then the EX yelled at S about K having her nails painted because K would bite her nails.  Really?  S was doing fun, girly things with his daughter, and all he got was shit about it.  That's really too bad.....
 
Now, after S finally got a chance to see K after 3 years in a recent trip to Boston, there hasn't been a Skype call since.  From all that we know, K hasn't even asked to talk to S....but of course we wouldn't know even if she HAD asked to talk to S.  All that we know is that S asked to Skype with K a couple of weeks ago and he was told that K didn't want to.  Nooooo, let's not try to be enthusiastic about K talking to her father!  We wouldn't want to try to influence K to talk to him would we?  So, it has been almost a month since S has talked to K.
 
About 2 weeks ago or so, I received an email on my FB from the EX, which I thought was hysterical, because we've been telling her for years to contact S through my emails since he NEVER checks his.  She has always refused....  So I get this email (which she also mailed to us by the way!  WHY?!) telling S that if he wanted to continue Skype calls with K, then he needed to pick ONE day of the week and it always had to be a consistent schedule...she then listed off 4 days that they would be available.  Why?  Because their lives were going to be soooo crazy this year that they needed a defined schedule for every.thing.  Well, that's all well and good....but she wants us to compromise. 
 
What's her idea of compromise?  That we work with her schedule.  That's not compromise.  She refuses to understand that we have a family schedule also, that I work also.  She has always known that Tuesdays are always available for us...it's the only night that I have guaranteed off...but coincidentally it's the only night that they are never available.  Hmm.  We tried to tell her that it worked out for all of us when I would get my work schedule for the month and we would  choose days that would work for all of us.  Was that a possibility?  No, of course not.  Because that's not compromise at all.  Nope, we had to pick ONE day, that was going to be the same every week.  That's not compromise, that's doing what the EX wants.
 
Why is my work schedule important for when S makes Skype calls to K?  I KNOW that the EX and all of her family and friends think that it's because I insist on being there because I'm jealous or something?  Um, nooooo.  Let me explain some things.  S is an amazing father, but let's be honest, on the nights that I'm working and S is putting the kiddos to bed by himself, he's on a roll if he gets the kiddos to bed before 8pm....usually it's after that (the Skype calls with K would be a 7:30pm).  Just a few weeks ago, S forgot a Skype call that he was supposed to be doing with his parents while I was at work, and that was a Skype call that we had planned just a few hours earlier!  Most nights, Dude finds a reason to get out of bed, yeah, he's 3.  If S is on a Skype call with K, and Dude gets out of bed, K is going to be distracted and not want to talk anymore is S has to put the computer down for a few minutes to put Dude back in bed, and it would cut down on the time that S is allowed to Skype (he gets maybe 30 minutes!)  We want to do Skype calls with K on days that I'm around also, so that I can HELP S, so that he can have an uninterrupted phone call with K since she's distracted enough by her mom as it is. 
 
So, because the EXes idea of compromise is of us picking one of the days that works for her....it doesn't matter if if works for us....I'm now going to be taking Wednesdays off.  That's so convenient.  Thanks for working on a compromise.
 
My  question?  Does K even want to Skype with S any more???  S asked the EX, and the EX said that she would make K get on the computer if we set to this schedule.  I'm sorry, but we've heard that before...but yet again, we're at the point where K decides if she wants to make a phone call or not. 
 
I think that the next few months are going to be a major turning point.  And I don't think it's going to be a good one.  I can already see the EX trying to push S away again.  Whenever she wants to try to get S out of Ks life, she makes it harder and harder for S to build his relationship with K.  Look at what's happening right now......
 
It's too bad that the EX is not letting S work on building his relationship with K.  The EX continues to claim that she wants S and K to have a relationship, but more and more it seems as though all she wants is the child support.  If the EX truly wanted S and K to have a relationship she would have been enforcing these Skype calls all along.  Let's not talk about the times that the EX conveniently forgot that we were supposed to be Skyping that night, and she planned something else.  Let's not talk about allllllll of the times that she has let K say "no" to a phone call.  If K doesn't want to talk once they get on Skype, I get that, but usually what happens is that K starts talking to S.  But if K decides she doesn't even want to make the call, they don't even get on Skype at all.
 
S and I can see that the EX is starting to get S out of Ks life pretty hard, and yes we wonder why....but we're definitely not surprised by it, since she's done it so many times before.
 
It's too bad......
 
 
 
 

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9 comments:

  1. I don't know what their agreement was in the divorce... although, I think even so--he could push for a change in the custody agreement. You guys have a home and seem to have a stable life... there's no reason that he shouldn't have the right to partial custody--yes, she lives in a different state (so does my brother's kid) but that doesn't mean that she couldn't come during school vacations/holidays/summers.

    If the ex isn't going to be reasonable about allowing him the chance to build a relationship, I say take it to the next level.

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  2. the way I see things is why do you need to be there for the calls? why cant he make the calls himself? I have been following both sides and what I see is that the ex is a hard working mother that loves her child and has a new man in her life. she still makes time to work S into the week with one day. so its one day and the way I see it its about k and school and everything she might have going on. I think if he cant make it a point to make it on a day the ex has listed off then S is a peace of shit father that needs to put his child first. the ex gave HIM 4 out of 7 days to talk to K and if he cant make it work out of those 4 days then he needs to just not try anymore because S is only trying to make it work for you. I see ur K's stepmother but as being a stepmother we cant make the rules with the father and there child. so I really think you should just stay out of it and let them work on it themselves. If he cant do it alone because of the two children in the home while you are not home then he should not have got more then one woman pregnant because he cant handle it. when I read the ex's blog I see how this Mr. Boston is amazing to k and if that's the case k might not want to talk to s because she has a father figure that didn't run out on her to another state. I think you should have stayed in the state where the ex is at so s could see his child or even would b able to take the child on the weekends or something. but the way I see hit he was a bad father to leave his child even if she did want the divorce he should have stayed to work with seeing that child.

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  3. As Mom and a Step-Mother I know what a struggle it can be to work out schedules and for everyone to try and get along. It breaks my heart to read your posts and see that not only is your husband struggling to even have a relationship with his oldest daughter, but that all of the adults in the equation seem to struggle to find a way to make this about the child and not about the past. It seems that there is a lot of pain all around and that it continues to find it's way into all of your everyday lives. Hopefully, someday you guys will be able to all work things out, at least so that your husband and your step-daughter can have a relationship. For the individual who posted above, parents are not always able to stay in the same state as their children when divorce's happen. As a military family we are fully aware that there may be times that we aren't able to all live in the same state, with that being said, we do work together to come up with travel arrangements and times throughout the year to share OUR children. The point being that this man is this little girl's Father, he was a huge part of bringing her into the world. Whether or not her Mother finds another man or not does not change the fact that this is her Father! I love my husband and his daughter, he loves me and my sons, we would never attempt to keep our children from having relationships with their other biological parents. It hurts not only the other parent, but in the end it hurts the child.

    I love the openness of your blogs and the honesty with which you seem to share your life, but I think that you and your husband may want to start thinking about ways to work with your step-daughters mother that aren't quite so public. I started following your blog in hopes of learning some things about being a stay at home mom and hearing about all of your children, but recently I've noticed that it seems more focused on this particular family issue. I hope I'm not offending you, I would simply love to see you write about some more positive things in your life!

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  4. I understand that very much so about not controlling the hole staying in the same state thing but this man is no military man. he is no vet. he is nothing to the military and he knows it. he got out he didn't have to b pussy whipped into moving to the north. he could have said to his wife " listen my daughter is here and there is no way we should leave right now I can find a job here so I can see my oldest child". he said yes to moving away and the military had nothing to do with it. but I agree its about the child and he should have tried harder to stay in this state to see this child grow up in life. If I was the ex I would not let this man see my child at all. he up and moved because u said so and he does what master says right.

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  5. I'm appalled at you Anonymous! It's easy to say things when you are hiding!
    It's not ALWAYS possible to stay in the same state as your children. That does not mean you are less of a parent or 'pussy whipped' as you so elegantly put it. Show some class, tho I guess you don't have to when you are hiding! Sometimes there are better opportunities else where. This doesn't mean you aren't a good parent, it doesn't mean you shouldn't see your other children. My son grew up 900+ miles away from his father. While some things were difficult and we didn't like each other, for the best interest of our child we put it aside. We did whatever we had to, to make sure they had a great relationship. Now my son at almost 15 is a well rounded child, plays all the sports he loves, visits when possible and his life is good. Why? He had 2 parents that cared enough to make sure it happened!!
    I'm not saying its always easy. I am saying that if BOTH parents put aside their opinions of the other, it's not impossible.

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  6. following you from Thirsty Thursday blog hop. Lisa love

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  7. I'm so sorry that your family is going through this. :( It's difficult and I get so upset when I hear that parents selfishly use their children like this. I think that EX should just put aside whatever feelings she has about you, your family and focus on what's BEST for K. A relationship with BOTH parents benefits everyone. ::sigh:: I hope that it gets sorted out soon and that a relationship can be worked on.

    On a positive note, I love the openness of your blog. :) It's a rare find.

    -Ali

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  8. Personally, I say if you want to be in your child's life, you'll do anything to do it. Call every other day, anyone can find 10mins, go to court, move back, lots of options, they all just depend on if the parent truly wants to be in the child's life. That just the opinion of girl with split-up parents. If my dad had truly wanted to be in my life, he'd have done anything, because that's what being a parent is about. Thanks so much for linking up with the Tattler Thursday Blog Hop. (ImNoHumdrum-Mum)

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  9. This all needs to be worked out. All it is doing is damaging the children. I suppose I would say everybody needs to be a grown up. YOu have babies, it's time to be a grown person - take responsiblity - and do what's best for the child. What's best is that even though you no longe love someone, you still like them and respect them.

    Thing is, the children will model this childish behavior - and repeat it in future relationships.

    Not good.

    Thanks so much for sharing on the Mommy Monday Blog Hop! I hope you link up again.

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