This post has been a long time in the making....
It hit me a month or two ago, while the 4 of us were at the lake...that it's too bad that S can't have K around and get to do all of these things with her too....
S was playing in the water with Princess, and she was so mad because she didn't want to get wet, and she was hanging onto S for her dear life!
daddy's Princess <3
S was so patient, and loving, and laughing and having so much fun with her. It hit me all at once, that the last time S was really and truly with K, as her one and only daddy, was when K was the same age that Princess is now. But because the EX asked for a divorce as soon as S left on deployment, S never truly had another chance to be K's only daddy. When he got home from Iraq, he got to see K once a week for a few hours, then every other Saturday as well for a few hours. Not a lot of time to be a daddy, especially since the EX already had another man living with her. After his second deployment, yes S made the decision to move to Maine with me and our son and to raise our family here.....but that doesn't mean that his relationship had to change so drastically with K.
For the longest time...almost a year!.....the EX didn't allow S to talk to K, because K's THERAPIST said that it wasn't a good idea. Now that they have been able to start Skyping again, it's a rough road at best. Mostly because a lot of the time, K decides that she doesn't want to talk, or even make the call, and it's never enforced. K is allowed to decide whether or not a phone call happens (this will be an important fact later on in this post).
S is an amazing father. I feel sorry for K that the EX never let S show how much of an amazing father he was. S was only 19 when K was born....still a kid himself, of course he was going to have problems with adjusting! Who wouldn't? But, S was only 22 when Dude was born...just a few years older, and he took to it like a fish to water. S is so playful, fun, active, and loving with our children! There have been so many times that I have just been astounded by the things that he does with our kiddos and how well he deals with things that I would lose my mind over!
Laughs at breakfast <3
But I saw him do all those things with K when we lived in NC too! He loved to take her to the beach, take her fishing, play with her, cuddle, and be plain old silly!
Putting makeup on daddy!
Yes, S painted her nails <3
But what happened after these two particular days? S got yelled at by the EX because K had been playing with my makeup and had some on herself. Then the EX yelled at S about K having her nails painted because K would bite her nails. Really? S was doing fun, girly things with his daughter, and all he got was shit about it. That's really too bad.....
Now, after S finally got a chance to see K after 3 years in a recent trip to Boston, there hasn't been a Skype call since. From all that we know, K hasn't even asked to talk to S....but of course we wouldn't know even if she HAD asked to talk to S. All that we know is that S asked to Skype with K a couple of weeks ago and he was told that K didn't want to. Nooooo, let's not try to be enthusiastic about K talking to her father! We wouldn't want to try to influence K to talk to him would we? So, it has been almost a month since S has talked to K.
About 2 weeks ago or so, I received an email on my FB from the EX, which I thought was hysterical, because we've been telling her for years to contact S through my emails since he NEVER checks his. She has always refused.... So I get this email (which she also mailed to us by the way! WHY?!) telling S that if he wanted to continue Skype calls with K, then he needed to pick ONE day of the week and it always had to be a consistent schedule...she then listed off 4 days that they would be available. Why? Because their lives were going to be soooo crazy this year that they needed a defined schedule for every.thing. Well, that's all well and good....but she wants us to compromise.
What's her idea of compromise? That we work with her schedule. That's not compromise. She refuses to understand that we have a family schedule also, that I work also. She has always known that Tuesdays are always available for us...it's the only night that I have guaranteed off...but coincidentally it's the only night that they are never available. Hmm. We tried to tell her that it worked out for all of us when I would get my work schedule for the month and we would choose days that would work for all of us. Was that a possibility? No, of course not. Because that's not compromise at all. Nope, we had to pick ONE day, that was going to be the same every week. That's not compromise, that's doing what the EX wants.
Why is my work schedule important for when S makes Skype calls to K? I KNOW that the EX and all of her family and friends think that it's because I insist on being there because I'm jealous or something? Um, nooooo. Let me explain some things. S is an amazing father, but let's be honest, on the nights that I'm working and S is putting the kiddos to bed by himself, he's on a roll if he gets the kiddos to bed before 8pm....usually it's after that (the Skype calls with K would be a 7:30pm). Just a few weeks ago, S forgot a Skype call that he was supposed to be doing with his parents while I was at work, and that was a Skype call that we had planned just a few hours earlier! Most nights, Dude finds a reason to get out of bed, yeah, he's 3. If S is on a Skype call with K, and Dude gets out of bed, K is going to be distracted and not want to talk anymore is S has to put the computer down for a few minutes to put Dude back in bed, and it would cut down on the time that S is allowed to Skype (he gets maybe 30 minutes!) We want to do Skype calls with K on days that I'm around also, so that I can HELP S, so that he can have an uninterrupted phone call with K since she's distracted enough by her mom as it is.
So, because the EXes idea of compromise is of us picking one of the days that works for her....it doesn't matter if if works for us....I'm now going to be taking Wednesdays off. That's so convenient. Thanks for working on a compromise.
My question? Does K even want to Skype with S any more??? S asked the EX, and the EX said that she would make K get on the computer if we set to this schedule. I'm sorry, but we've heard that before...but yet again, we're at the point where K decides if she wants to make a phone call or not.
I think that the next few months are going to be a major turning point. And I don't think it's going to be a good one. I can already see the EX trying to push S away again. Whenever she wants to try to get S out of Ks life, she makes it harder and harder for S to build his relationship with K. Look at what's happening right now......
It's too bad that the EX is not letting S work on building his relationship with K. The EX continues to claim that she wants S and K to have a relationship, but more and more it seems as though all she wants is the child support. If the EX truly wanted S and K to have a relationship she would have been enforcing these Skype calls all along. Let's not talk about the times that the EX conveniently forgot that we were supposed to be Skyping that night, and she planned something else. Let's not talk about allllllll of the times that she has let K say "no" to a phone call. If K doesn't want to talk once they get on Skype, I get that, but usually what happens is that K starts talking to S. But if K decides she doesn't even want to make the call, they don't even get on Skype at all.
S and I can see that the EX is starting to get S out of Ks life pretty hard, and yes we wonder why....but we're definitely not surprised by it, since she's done it so many times before.
It's too bad......