Because Dude and I have been butting heads all week and I'm going a little crazy.
I want to cry, I want to scream and tear out my hair, I am quickly losing alllllll of my patience.
And I have no idea what's going on.
And honestly, at this point, I'm having trouble continuing writing from here....because I have no idea what's going on with us lately...or how to go about fixing it.
Let me start from the beginning of the week.
Honestly, Monday wasn't all that bad. Tuesday, things started going downhill. S and I had decided to let Dude go to VBS that day, since his great grandmother was going to be there...and we wanted him to experience it, and it would be good for him from a socialization point of view. Well, I dropped him off at 9am....and had the hardest time leaving him. It's not like I was concerned about any of the people who were in the church. Honestly, I knew about 90% of the people there. And, I know that when I'm not around, Dude is pretty well behaved. Princess and I went to town and did some wedding shopping....and we went back to pick him up. I had everyone coming up to me telling me how sweet and well behaved Dude was! That's always nice to hear! Wellllll....when we got home, the Dude and I? We started....I don't know, I can't even explain what happened! Everything that he did made me mad. He ignored me when I asked him things, whined whenever I told him "no", and seemed to do things to purposely make me mad.
Was I overreacting? Was I stressed because of everything that's going on with life these days? Did Dude pick up on that and not know how to handle it?
Who knows. But things didn't get any better.
Wednesday....I actually pulled the car over on the side of the road and yelled at Dude because he was purposely blowing huge raspberries and spiting all over the truck. Awesome. I felt like a real great mom right then. All day while I was trying to talk to people, Dude would interrupt, he would touch everything in sight even though I had told him not to, even though I had explained to him that we were in a very important place, and he had to be good, and do what I said and be a good boy. It was ridiculous how badly he didn't listen to me..and did everything that I had told him not to even after being put in time out in the middle of the store.....yup, that's always a fun time.
Is this karma? Am I being put through some crazy test?
Thursday and Friday Dude went to VBS again and Thursday he came home in almost a worse mood than he had been in the past few days. On Friday I almost blew a gasket when I got to the church early to pick him up...and watched from the doorway as my son crawled on the floor under the pews distracting everyone and trying to play with the other kids while the director of VBS was trying to give out awards for the week. I mean, I almost lost my freaking mind on him. Was Dude probably just done with the situation because it had been 2 and 1/2 hours and he's 3???? Probably. But if I could have screamed at him for the way he was acting I would have! But there was no way that I was going to disrupt the services any more....I wanted to die of mortification. When I got out to the truck, Dude knew that I was mad at him, and he even knew why! My nana tried to tell me that Dude always shows off when he knows that I'm around...but he hadn't known I was around when I saw him acting the way he had.
I just don't understand!!
It got to the point, of me being so frustrated and upset, that of course I was talking about it with everyone at work last night...and I mean even the customers!! Everyone, and I mean everyone, told me over and over that "he's a boy" "he's 3" and "it's just because he knows he can push your buttons"
I KNOW ALL OF THIS!!! Truly I do!!! But just because Dude is 3 means that I shouldn't have high expectations? That I shouldn't expect him to act a certain way? I know that my son is ridiculously smart, and that he knows how he should act in public....hell, that he knows how he should act at home! So why doesn't he do it??!!
The kid is almost in school...he knows that he has to behave when he's in school...he knows he's supposed to behave in public! I'm seriously screaming inside over the way he's acted this week!
Am I overreacting? I know I'm not PMSing.....are Dude and I around each other too much? Of course my heart is breaking when I think of him starting Headstart this fall.....I think it will help our relationship when he starts going to school....people have told me that it will. But after this week, I'm not sure. I'm sure that so many people out there will think that I'm overreacting....well you would be wrong...but there is NO WAY that I could accurately write about everything that has happened this week! If you want to call me a bad mom because I'm stressing out over my relationship with my kid....then you have to look again and realize that what I'm doing right now is hurting really bad because I already feel like a bad mom....
Especially when I see something like this.....
And I feel like the worlds shittiest mom.
What am I doing wrong?
God, I've felt like crying all week.
Every night when Dude goes to bed, I take deep breaths and remind myself to wake up different tomorrow, that everything will be better in the morning. When I wake up in the morning, I remind myself that everything is ok, that Dude is just 3, to try and not let him push my buttons. Then Dude will walk out of his room already crying and begging me to get him food and I need to put on something for him to watch and if it doesn't all happen in .2 seconds, he whines louder and my nerves are, literally, already shot for the day.
Is there such a thing as Post Partum Depression happening 3 years after the birth???
I know that the stress of all of this is just piling up and making the situation worse. I do take breaks from Dude, I do find ways to relax.....then my relaxation is instantly gone as soon as Dude does one little thing. How can I fix this? How can Dude and I get back on the same page again? I know he loves me, just like he knows that I love him. I love everything about this kid, from the shape of his head to the way that he sleeps just like his father!
So why does he seemingly try to purposely make me mad? I know as a kid it's his job to push my buttons so that he can learn his limits, and learn how to behave in situations...
but if the terrible 3s don't end quickly.....I might lose my mind.