I imagine it's about the same for my mom.
And frankly that makes my heart break, knowing that there is no possible way to explain how much you love someone.
But then there are times when I look at her, and I imagine she looks like this:
No, this is not an actual picture of Princess. No, we do not put cigarettes in her mouth for photo ops. No, we do not leave bottles of booze on the coffee table for photo ops. But oh my goodness, when I saw this all I could think of was Princess. I imagine that when my mom sees this picture, she will envision me.
It is downright scary how my daughter already resembles me in more ways than one, and frankly that scares the living hell out of me. She does the same perfect pout (that I did as a baby) when she's about to start crying when you've gently scolded her or taken away something she could choke on. We cry the same way! Her eyes light up when daddy comes home the same that mine did as a baby (so I'm told). She's rough and tumble, makes truck noises while pushing trucks across the floor, carries dolls around, hates having her hair brushed, picks on Dude with a passion, and can make literally anyone smile and say "awwwee, she's so beautiful."
Already I know that there is nothing that I won't do for this little piece of heaven, I know now how my mom feels. I can only hope that someday, Princess will ask me for advice, lean on me, and trust me, the same that I do with my mom. All I can do is help raise her to be a good kid, be a good adult, be nice to people, to stand up for herself, to know that mistakes are ok and that they are going to happen......
My parents did a good job with me, hell, I'd say they did a damn fine job raising me actually. I was a good kid, I'd say I'm a good adult. It's the in between those times that scares me a little for Princess. Let's face it, I screwed up, I did some crazy. ass. shit. Took a lot of chances, and lucked out more times than one. Lets look at this classic that isn't even near the craziest thing I've ever done.....
When I was a few days from graduating college, and drunk, and after getting down from the horse, I walked with 3 friends back to our college...which took maybe an hour....*sigh* Do I regret it? Hell no! Do I want my precious little sweetheart doing this? No freaking way! But I have to suck it up and admit it to myself that most likely, she is going to do dumb shit like this....when actually, if she tells me long enough after the fact, I might laugh.
And then there was the time when I called mom from North Carolina, after I had gone for the weekend to visit S. (this was of course when we first started dating), and told her that I felt like staying and moving in with S. Know what she said? That I had to follow my gut. Know what happened? I now have a wonderful family with S. and we've been together, and engaged, for almost 5 years now.
How am I going to be able to let go? How am I going to be able to suck it up and let her go and make her own choices and pick her up when she makes mistakes and falls and calls me crying? How am I going to give her advice when all I'll want to do is cry because I'll feel bad, and feel that I didn't help her enough?
I know what I need to do. Stop thinking about it and let the future be just that, the future.
Oh, and I'm going to lie my pants off about all the shit I've done so that she dosn't get the wrong idea.