ghost baby?

before you all freak out and get weird, finish reading the post.

something has happened a few times and its made me think.....  continue reading before you really freak out.

so, sometimes, randomly, i can feel a twinge in my belly that completely reminds me of when i was still pregnant and princess was kicking.  the most recent time it happened, i was laying on my stomach (which is silly, because when did i EVER lay on my belly while i was pregnat with either princess or dude?) and i KNEW that what i was feeling was my pulse because it was so steady, and, well, you just know its your pulse.  but it felt exactly like being kicked by your baby while pregnant.  i dont remember the other time quite as well, but i remember the feeling it evoked.  for a few seconds it was like i was pregnant again and i felt that same elation that is felt when you feel your baby moving inside of you. 

what is UP with this?

the feeling is so strong, that i kind of have to remind myself that princess is sleeping in her cradle, not in my belly.  i dont remember having any of these feelings after giving birth to dude.....but maybe i was so sleep deprived that i didnt notice anything.  im pretty sure that by this point, im used to the whole "no sleep" thing. 

is this a weird form of post partum depression?  is this something akin to "ghost limbs"? you know, when a person loses a limb, but can still feel it itch sometimes.  is my body somehow mourning the baby that could have been?  of course dont get me wrong, i LOVE princess with all of my heart, just like i LOVE dude with all of my heart, but isnt it true that the mother always vaguely mourns the baby that she could have had?  as in, my dude COULD have been a girl, whose hair i could put in bows....and princess COULD have been another boy that i could have dressed in ridiculous amounts of camo....

when i say "post partum depression" dont get me wrong....i have had no feelings of depression whatsoever, im so happy with my family and my babies, but.....i dont know, these weird kicking feelings in my belly are making me think hardcore.  is it my body telling me to have another baby?  am i crazy to be thinking this already at this point? um. yes. yes i am. and i know it.  S. would say the same thing and he is very firm on the idea of having no more kids.....but i definately get baby fever with these twinge/kick feelings in my stomach at random times of the day. 

my pregnancy with princess wasnt exactly "hard" or "complicated" but i know for a fact that many people, including S. and my parents are glad that its over...i was known to be a hardcore bitch this time around....personally, i think they thought this because 1) S. wasnt around while i was preggo with dude (he was serving a second tour in iraq)  and 2) i think my parents choose to NOT remember what it was like while i was living with them while preggo with dude.  but regardless, i was known to be a bitch, and emotional, you know, those normal pregnancy things.  i had WICKed acid reflux, and my back was sore all the time, and i was ridiculously tired because of the 2 year old in my life.  so when i think of all of those things, i also wonder if i DO want any more children (ive been known to say that i want 3 or 4).  approximately one day after princess was born i thought to myself..."wait.  shit.  i forgot about going through the "teething" thing again."  and i got REALLY scared and nervous and thought for a split second of sending her back. 

but then i looked at her face and wanted a hundred more just like her...and dude too.

am i doomed to always be thinking of "ghost baby"? 

do i want more children?  do i want to deal with the tiredness? the freaking craziness that is my house already plus MORE?  the diapers? the baby poop? burp cloths?  spending money on little girl tights, and bows, and little boy baseball hats, and formula, and plastic cups in bright rainbow colors? 

um. yes.  because that first time that that baby smiles at you breaks your heart.  thats why.

sooooo, ghost baby....will we ever meet?

No comments:

Post a Comment